We see them here, we see them there; those gosh-darned experts are everywhere...
The Writer's Map
Do most writers even own a map now? Who actually owns a map these days? Pirates and assorted treasure hunters? I suppose smartphones have not taken over entirely. Not yet. No, not yet but soon. Maybe...
Of course, I am being somewhat facetious here and am leading up to being quite direct but that is coming later. I do so love a good foreshadow at the beginning of an article!
I am, of course, talking about the map that writers keep up here, in the source of all their stories and so forth. Right here, behind the eyes.
Why did You Start Writing?
This is a question many of the assorted fora, webpages, resources and so forth will display ad very much nauseum eternally and with much too much regularity. These communications often begin with the words "As a Writer...". You know the kind. Perhaps you have even left a snarky comment or several. There is a point waiting there and we will get to that presently.
My question is actually serious, however. I do not need you all to spam my inbox with your answers, though. I ask you query the inner voice, the one which narrates as you read and may also, perhaps, speak with the voice of your characters occasionally (or more often, of course). I could tell you to ask yourself but, if you're a writer, we all know better than that don't we?
Now; hold onto that thought. Do not show it to me. Imagine we ae doing one of those amusing card tricks. We will come back to this later. Put your thought back in the pack. Don't let me see where...
The Experts Reign Supreme
Let us begin with a list shall we? Those of you that have grasped the irony can chuckle quietly to themselves in the corner or they can join in, I don't mind. Let us remember those vaulted Rules we hear about so often if that's OK?
Show, do not Tell
Avoid Adjectives Assidiously
No Purple Prose even should thine muse express the light of brilliance upon thee
This or that genre is old hat and...well
Poetry is a dead art form
Dialogue should be done like this
Word Counts
Famous Author X wrote this way. therefore...
Oxford Commas
OK, that is a small list to begin with. I am sure that, if you have been writing for a while, you have met a few of these. You may have even have fallen into the trap I am going to show you below. You beleived the expert with eyes wide open. You listened to someone else on a Facebook forum who is about as famous and successful as you are. That was clever wasn't it?
Yes, indeed it seemed like it at the time. I know. There, there, it'll be alright...shhh
"Steven sat down on the level surface of the portmaneu as a curious elasticity began to dominate his sharply handsome features. His lips quivered as one tasting a lemon when an orangee had been expected. One eyebrow arched, followed after two heartbeats by the other. He made a kind of clicking, sucking noise with his tongue and rolled eyes from left to right, back and forth. Hands twitched and formed shaking fists as Steven transferred his unfocussed gaze to them and let an explosion of pent up breath explode from between pressure white lips.
"Are you actually going to say anything, Steven?" Asked Marcus sarcastically, a laugh in his voice. "Or are you going to sit there making slow motion faces all day?"
Steven's eyes shifted towards his tormentor, light blazing from within like a...."
No. No, no, no....I think we shall stop there. That was merely an illustration. One I completely made up on my own. I am sure you know what of and why so I shall not insult your intelligence explaining it unless you really want me to. I am feeling nice today....
Of course I am being sarcastic!
Hands up who has seen such a severe case of 'tellitis' before? Who has written one? Now tell me the lesson I am illustrating here?
Yes? Bob, right? Thank you Bob, that's right! The diet is a fine, fine metaphor to use in this instance. You're a genius!
The Metaphor of The Parable of the Perfect Diet
Does it make sense that one can lose weight by continuing all of one's current habits with one simple addition; a pill? There are some agents waiting outside to beg for your manuscript..it will only cost your $300 to be unbelievably famous...OK $3000, actually but, seriously; famouser that Mr Famous of Famousville the famousest of Famouses who ever became famous! Yes! Him! Even more famous than that..twice as much probably...
Oh, I'm sorry, Bob. Was that a little too sarcastic or much too much so? I apologise!
Does anyone here remember the age-old advice which has resurfaced finally regarding the concept of a healthy nutrition? Moderation, that's it indeed.
Moderation.
Please Ignore Everything Beyond this Point
Oh hello! Now this is a rather pleasant surprise! You ignored my advice did you? Good! Excellent! I was hoping that you would, that's the point I was making a few paragraphs ago, actually. Remember? As a writer, I felt the need to ask you what kind of fruit you enjoy eating as you are creating? As a writer, that is.
That's right, I did that on purpose and then ungressed my digression. Ungress is a word I just invented and it belongs to me. it didn't exist before but I feel it should have. Now it does. You're welcome.
A point? Yes, yes, I have one around here somewhere. Just a minute....
Ignore all "Expert" Advice?
You could, my own included, if you like. It would be odd to think that you read this far just to ignore it completely though wouldn't it? It would be rather strange, if you really think about it.
Who would be the weirdest of us though? Me for writing it or you for reading it? Comments below on that one, this is going to be fun!
I ask you one simple question before we continue: What makes an Excellent Expert? Who decided that they were an expert precisely?
Here is a test. Go to your favourite bookstore. Search through the shelves. Can you see that person's name anywhere? No, you can't see your own either, nor mine, that is true. Now try the library. Same? Darn! I thought at least my poetry would have gotten that far but...oh gosh, that's a blow...
My point is this; do you beleive someone to be an excellent chef before you have tasted their food? A makeup expert if you have never even seen their face? A great druver if you've never seen them even close to a car? Exactly. So how can a 'writing expert' who has never published a work be able to tell you how to achieve what they have not?
Don't you find it odd that all the established author quotes you see disagree with those experts?
Could it be that there is a much deeper secret hidden among all of the confusing chaos?
The Best Advice to Writers (Which you can Ignore)
Now, I like to keep things simple and I find that this works for me. I hope it can work for you too.
You may remember I mentioned the metaphor of diets earlier, among other leads I seemed to have left hanging in previous sections. Well, I did not forget, I was saving all of them for this final section, checking whether you were paying attention.
So; the diet analogy? Many people have developed this recently but, as it is not perceived as a simple solution (although it truly is), it is often ignored. Everything in moderation. I could go on for a long time about diet and nutrition but that is not really suitable here. We are talking about writing and I mustn't ramble!
Our young, blonde lover of porridge herself! If she taught us anything (apart from the fact that house-breaking and theft are alright if the victims are not human) it is that simple maxim; do it just right. Find the balance.
This is why real and genuine writing advice is less popular than the wisdom of the the hordes of experts; because there is no easy answer.
Writing is a Process to Learn, not a Skill to be Taught
One must learn the elements of a story and how to make a narrative compelling, interesting, engaging all by oneself.
Imagine a movie, a friend of my once explained the concept to me and, to paraphrase him, it makes sense. Your book is a movie in words.
Think about the last great book you read. Think of how, while you read, you imagined characters and situations in your head as you followed the story. A good book lets you do this, guides your imagination in the right direction so that you imagine just what the writer imagined as they sat there and composed it all. Your imagined vision might not be identical but, if the writer is good, it will be close.
Now think of the so-called rules of movies and try to remember the movies which innovated and did something new.
Now, this is not to say there are no rules at all. Obviously there are grammar, spelling, and language. Despite a provailing trend towards ignoring these, bad use of any of these will detract from the reader's enjoyment. Agile use of them can transport readers to just the place you want them to see.
This takes skill, yes, but it also takes patience, practise, and dedication. Nobody can teach you the latter items, they are very much coming from within.
Of course, the skill is hard to teach also. One cannot make a sword without good metal to start with, don't you see?
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